Death Toll: Survivor Week 2

Survivor is great. More specifically, this season is AWESOME.
It's like the tribes are completely in sync with me and my venomous and easily provoked damnation of anyone who may do something with the slight connotation of pissing me off. They are voting off each and every one of my most hated. It's like they are doing my bidding, as if I was their sole tribal deity. And it's a fucking fantastic feeling.

It was a double episode this week, so that means two more bodies hit the pile. Worthless, annoying and terrible bodies, I might add.

Bible Woman! Yeah, good old Bible "Leslie" Woman. She was in the competition by the grace of God but she didn't realise that I was the only God in Survivor: China. And that the tribes must worship only me and my will and also my messenger boy Jeff Probst. Bible Woman challenged my position, so I ordered everyone to kill her with spears.

LESLIE = DEAD

Dave pissed everyone in the tribe right off with his 'former model' ways. He also pissed me off a lot. I mean, Wow Dave, how long are you going to play that "I built a waterproof fireplace" card? I was contemplating killing him myself, but before I could, Sherea picked up a massive rock and crushed Dave's head with it in the dead of night. The tribe ritualistically danced until morning, and I grinned from the heavens.

DAVE = DEAD

Previously on Neighbours: Dec 10 - Dec 14, 2007

Well... it's done. Neighbours is over for the year and won't be back for several weeks. Such despair. Such angst and confusion. And the suspense... the suspense is really kicking in now.
As far as finales go, I have to say I'm very pleased. The sheer amount of popular and well-known lives in jeopardy is amazing. The relationship-related cliffhangers... pretty average and anti-climactic. But who the fuck cares about Janae and Ned when Bridgit and Declan are in peril??

OMFG!!! Here's the final recap of '07:

Monday: Elle and Riley press their boss to allow them to write about the rave scene that suddenly hit Erinsborough. But the assignment is given to Smithy! Damn that off-screen bastard. You win this round, Smithy. Oliver and Carmella discuss custody for maybe the millionth time since their baby's conception. Darren and Libby argue about starting over. He touches her hand, she pulls away. Dramatic. The old Timmins house is officially for sale, and the Parkers want to buy it. Allthewhile, Marco is a gay prostitute.

Tuesday: Libby is staying put in her childhood home. Darren is obsessed with both Shepp' and the saying of the word Shepp', and is thus displeased. Miranda and Steve think Janae is a dud and want her out of the house deal. Jessica is walking her dog and just so happens to see Angus the Pedophile Classic Car Collector having a heated discussion with Rachel. Jessica gets an evil close-up as she ponders what to do with the gossip. Carmella continues her latest rant over custody with Oliver saying that Marco will never take his role as a father. Okay, so we've established that again. Now write it down Carmella, so you can remember it. I don't want to go through all this again.

Wednesday: Rachel figures out that Jessica knows! Oh noes! So what happens next? They both decide to go dancing???? Uhhhh? I award the Ned Sigh of the Week to the moment when Miranda and Steve tell him that they don't want Janae's name on the house. Huge sigh. Darren deals with his worrying by going to the mechanic and pointing out Janae's incompetence as a businesswoman. Elle and Riley attend the rave party, disregarding the efforts of poor old Smithy.

Thursday: Rachel leaves the dance party to see Angus. He tells her to fuck off. She does. Then she goes back to him, which is enough for him to change his mind. Elle confesses to love some totally arbitrary and indistinctive background music. The warehouse that the dance party was being held in collapses. Shit!!! Janae kisses Darren after she finds out she needs to be excluded from the house purchase. Kirstin sees everything.

Friday: Janae can't believe what she did. She rushes home and tries to tell Ned, but doesn't get the chance. The news has broken about the warehouse crash and all the residents rush to the scene. Characters whose heads are poking out of rubble and/or big metal, heavy things include: Bridgit, Ringo, Jessica, Elle, Riley and Zeke. Characters that are just in there for the hell of it include: Declan, Karl and Libby.
Actually, Karl and Libby got crushed with what looked like a ton of concrete and mortar, so I don't know. Mopey Josh and Zeke's little gargoyle girlfriend made it out, but noone cared (myself included) and they were pushed aside like pieces of trash. If anyone is going to die it will be Jessica, if only just for storyline and contract related reasons. Soon she'll become infamous as 'that girl who died in that dance-party disaster.' But we are left waiting... to know for certain!

Previously on Neighbours will be back in '08 to cover the entire year's worth of Neighbours episodes. 2008 promises to be an amazing year for my Neighbours coverage. I'll award a Ned Sigh of the Week every week until I get sick of it. And I promise to stop overdoing the whole Marco is a gay man/slave/sex-worker punchline. Until then though, you're just going to have to put up with the other not-so-great segments of the blog. Enjoy, won't you?

Ad Shittium: An Aussie Goes Bolly

"Gday, I'm Gus and I'm comin' to India
(comin' to India) What's gotten int' ya?
Well you know last year, I went Barmy
This year, I'm gonna swing it like a swamy."


"If all things Indian, I must partake
He'll even charm the pants of a snake
I'm not here for just one day
I'll make new mates, the Aussie way
Coz' I've gone Bolly (He's gone Bolly)
I've gone Bolly, Come on Aussie
I've gone Bolly!"

Not since the sonnets of Shakespeare, or some may argue the epic tomes of Homer, has the creative mind come to witness such poetry. Thank you Gus; may you inspire a whole new generation of storytellers and dream-weavers. And upon the shoulders of these young scribes rests the undying possibility of issuing in a global renaissance from your near-divine teachings. And if I may end with a relevant quote: "I hear the vindaloo is really, really rich..." So true, so true.

Next season I'm praying for: An Aussie Goes And Never Comes Back. Ever.

Actual Letters From Foxtel Magazine: December 2007

There are three types of Foxtel magazine letters. The weird, the suck-up and the very rare normal and informative letter. The weird type letters are common, although not as common as the suck-up letters. This month, I will show to you how to discern a weird letter from a suck-up letter.

A weird letter is written by someone who is clearly quite nuts. For an example of this, visit last's month's example written by the delightfully insane and bigoted Janice Kidson-McDonald.

A suck-up letter is written by someone who is trying very hard, with great risk of dignity, to win free Foxtel iQ for a year. It's that simple.
My pick for this month's letter written by Greg Thomas is a prime example:

Love the iQ

I must thank FOXTEL and the iQ... you have saved my marriage with the functionality of the little silver box! However, it must be time to shock Australia once again and broadcast shows in high-definition (HD). Can you advise us when we can expect to drop our jaws?

Overdoing just a little? Perhaps. Or perhaps not enough. He wasn't awarded Letter of the Month. No, he actually lost out to one of those rare, scarcely heard about normal and informative letters. Maybe that will teach all those little ass-kissing lackeys to refrain from injecting saccharine into their concise passages like steroids: You'll never get top prize that way, Mr Greg Thomas. Now don't you and your wife have some Foxtel iQ bills to pay?

Death Toll: Survivor Week 1

It's here! It's late... but it's here. And oh boy, how I've missed it. There is nothing quite as amazing as beginning a new Survivor season. I know that sounds incredibly sad, but if incredibly sad is what I have to be to love Survivor this much, so be it.
That being said, I have to stress. I am NOT an obsessive fanatic. I can't tell you every single person's name from every season. But that's also what I love about it. People come and go in Survivor. Some live and some die. Some have legacies and some don't. It's a competition that operates as a social microcosm; one that defines our entire way of life... that is what is so compelling about Survivor. That and the CUHRAZY elaborate challenge apparatuses! Man, they are cool.

The season got off to a predictable start. People complained. A lot. But this should not be seen as a negative for viewers. What seems like a bunch of annoying Americans whining is ACTUALLY the beginning of us knowing who we will come to love and hate. For example, when Leslie broke down and wept because she missed her Bible, I knew I had my antagonist. I hope she sticks around long enough for it to really hurt when she gets left to die.

At the end of the first episode, Chicken was ended. This was an especially satisfying moment, seeings as Chicken was some old retard whose strategy in the game was to offer no input when it came to group decisions. It was a blessing to see him die.

CHICKEN = DEAD

At the end of the second episode, Ashley was killed off. Again, I completely agreed with the group's movement. She was a WWE superstar apparently, but she was totally dirty and her breasts were the size of a megalodon's testicles. She was also a lazy, good-for-nothing whore. No big loss.

ASHLEY = DEAD

Overplayed Movies: First Knight

In 2004, a study found that since the introduction of feature films, there have been more than 120, 000 movies made throughout the last century.

Channel Ten. Or as I am beginning to call them; Channel AGAIN!?!?!

God, their movie library is so woefully tired. I mean, when you overplay First Knight... there's a real problem. I also really resent how every time it comes on (which has to be about 3 times a year) they market it by pointing out how sexy the two male leads are. Really? Sexy? Sean Connery and Richard Gere? Dashing, maybe. But sexy?

I have no idea why this is such a favourite of Ten. It's a stupid movie, to be sure. But it's also a medieval melodrama.
Now that this has been played, that OTHER overplayed medieval movie, A Knight's Tale, is bound to be lurking closeby. Let's just wait and see as I ready my brandishing whip.

Ad Shittium: McDonalds Crispy Chicken Strips

JUST BREAK IT IN HALF YOU NEANDERTHAL-LIKE, INTERRACIAL DUMBASSES!!!!!

Previously on Neighbours: Dec 3 - Dec 7, 2007.

At this moment, I'm in a sense of denial. The month or so of the year sans Neighbours is fast approaching. There's just a week left. What's a questionably hetero boy to do? I guess it will be good to break the routine of weekend updating.
I was just perusing the archival bowels of the beast that is this blog, and I've realised that it is fast becoming a blog about how godforsaken Channel Ten is. Be it marketing, programming, content... I really have it in for them. And it shows. Over 75% of all posts have been about Channel Ten in some way.
Now that Idol has plummeted into forgotten territory, Neighbours is literally all I have to keep the balance between being critically judgemental and just being downright cruel. It seems cruelty may be on the agenda during the short Neighbours hiatus.

But we ain't there yet. Here's your recap:

Monday: Casserole Hands is no more. And from the chrysalis-like gloves emerges Susan reborn. Steph and Toadie take sides in the Darren-Libby fued. They do one of those cut back and forth conversations that annoy me heaps. Angus is a Pedophile and a Replacement Teacher, and he has another defining characteristic as well. He's a dickhead. Feeling betrayed by Rachel, he becomes a jerk to cope. In his temper, it didn't occur to him that Zeke and Rachel are not in the same year, but somehow share the same Literature class. Now let's play: Sum up Marco's Family In Three Words. They suck. That's two words? Okay, They REALLY suck. I win no prize. Noone does.

Tuesday: Toadie and Steph debate about Darren and Libby. Somehow, it all turns out to be about Steph's engagement ring she never wears. I was confused, but at least she wears it now. That and some terrible Bollywood costume top. Angus the Pedophile Jerk ups the ante in jerkiness. Marco is a gay prostitute.

Wednesday: Libby misses the shit out of Drew, and says so. Rachel offers the most vile analysis of Pride and Prejudice I've ever heard. Angus was impressed though; enough to settle things with her out of class. Speaking of vile, Zeke gets hit on by the class mole. Janae's jealous routine has run thinner than Bree in bizarro world. She goes to Oakey to look for Ned and Kirstin. Ned's car breaks down, and he gets so many extreme closeups, I thought I was going to be sick. Kirstin kisses him. I was sick. Miranda is the most worthless character in the whole show, even moreso than Lou. In this episode, she rode a mechanical bull and fell off.

Thursday: Ned and Kirstin win Best Couple at the Oakey reunion. Wow, that's not contrived. Janae is not happy, and she proves this fact by throwing Kirstin into some tables. Finally, something sort of remarkable but not really that remarkable has happened in this plot thread. Elle gets fired on her first day as a journo. Actually to be honest, the Elle-Riley story has gone from appallingly shit beginnings to being somewhat decent. To regain some ambition, Susan walks 10km up a fucking mountain with Miranda and Rebecca in tow. If three women walk in a forest and complain the whole time, does it make a sound? The answer is yes, unfortunately.

Friday: Two days have passed and Libby still misses the shit out of Drew. I'm going to nickname Ben 'The Devil's Child' from now on due to his striking resemblance to the spawn of Satan. I'm ecstatic to report Janae and Ned are considering a breakup. Karl applies for a medical job and gets the position. Karl is now Dr. Karl. Again. Finally. First priority: Bitch and moan about Susan walking up Mt. Random.

Wear black all next week. Neighbours is winding down on it's last breath for 2007. Find and help others in need, like me, who find the pain too much to cope with.

Overplayed Movies: Mean Girls

In 2004, a study found that since the introduction of feature films, there have been more than 120, 000 movies made throughout the last century.

I called it. Channel Ten again. And guess what? I have ANOTHER Channel Ten Overplayed Movie segment to write up tomorrow. Seeings as I'm getting into the summer decomposing period of the year, I'm thinking I'm going to be inundated with these. Have I bitten off more than I can spit out in revulsion? It's a possibility.
Yeah, and Channel Ten actually showing movies that they haven't shown every 4 months is also a possibility. Anything's possible in theory.

Mean Girls is deceptive. People really like it. Channel Ten must have fallen to their knees and thanked their commercially corrupt deities the day they secured the rights to it. It's a popular film that directly applies to everything Channel Ten is about. It is fresh to some degree (Ten will make short work of that) and it does have the strong teen appeal. It's even justifiably current with Lindsay Lohan aptly making headlines as she dismantles her own career like a professional loser.

People not only like Mean Girls, but Channel Ten also really likes Mean Girls. For Ten, the only criticism would be that it lacked Adam Sandler. Alas, there is no such thing as total perfection.

I don't really like the movie myself, but I can see why it is a good candidate for being overplayed. It's just good chemistry with the audience base. I'll let Ten off the hook for this one, but don't let me see this on the schedule for at least 6 more months. Okay? Much obliged, my old rival.

Mean Girls - 7:30pm, Saturday December 8th. Channel Ten

Ad Shittium: The Simpsons Game

Ugh. UGH. The Simpsons Game ad. That's the worst ad on TV. Don't get me wrong, I recognise how bold a statement that is, but I support it wholeheartedly and without doubt. I truly despise that ad.
For those of you who haven't had Matt "Whore" Greoning smash you over the head with a park bench, a log, a metal beam or something similarly heavy, prepare for a close simulation.

It's worse than watching a full episode of new Simpsons season. It's worse than watching those dreadful Channel Ten ads for the new Simpsons season. It is low by Simpsons standards, which is really enlightening, because I didn't think the Simpsons had standards.

Clearly, that presents a Catch-22 of the worst kind. Clearly, that's the worst ad on TV.

Showcase launches on Foxtel

It's nothing to write home about just yet, but Showcase is the latest Foxtel channel to be launched in the subscription based arena. It's first few days will be occupied by the usual mini-series, Showtime and HBO TV dramas and local fare that originally clogged up the first Showtime channel. Additionally, Showcase will screen independent style movies and documentaries.

What does this mean for us? Well, this means that Showtime is now an open supporter of critically panned commercial movies 24 hours a day, while Showcase gets all the praise worthy material. Time will tell if pure quality and pure shit complement each other, side by side.

New and biting TV shows will debut on Showcase in only days time, with Dexter coming in on the 6th, with others such as The Riches and Satisfaction following shortly after. It's a channel to keep your eye on, I get the feeling a lot of quality shows that are passed up by the major networks could find their way to Showcase for reliable residency.

Previously on Neighbours: Nov 26 - Nov 30, 2007.

I just have to say, this week was AWESOME. Darren's return has been handled so well. I really resent the people that criticise the Neighbours writers, because while they have a lot of shortcomings, they know how to make things interesting. They incorporate the series' long history into almost every storyline and they really know how to use actors' chemistry to great lengths. This was really showcased in the segments involving Libby Kennedy, who might I add was in every single episode this week. Good on her.
For the writer's to bring back Darren in a unique and very unflattering way is brave and compelling in the eyes of the viewer. The other storylines... they were okay too. Except for the Ned ones. They have never been okay. Not with me, not with anyone.

It's time for the recap:

Monday: Declan kisses Bridgit!!! She rejects him and his apology CD. Stupid bitch. Casserole Hands is in denial and employs Libby to investigate the Multiple Sclerosis Wikipedia page for the REAL truth. Stupid bitch. Mickey's volcano project erupts and Ned and Kirstin get caught in the deadly pyroclastic flow. I lie, they actually just bitched about eachother and made it seem like Mickey was worth giving a damn about. Zeke gets a bad behaviour letter for the pool fight last week. Stupid bitch.

Tuesday: Darren Stark is back in town and Libby is not pleased. In fact, she goes crazy. Karl gets caught up in it, resulting in "Now you listen here" being shouted several times in a grumpy tone. Bridgit introduces Mopey Josh to her family. The first thing they think is "Oh my god, this wheelchair bound cripple is trying to get into our daughter's pants." Janae talks to Kristen about how attractive Ned is. Somehow, both actors keep a straight face. Casserole Hands begins to get her sight back. Hallelujah.

Wednesday: Libby spills the beans. Darren slept with another woman. Oh Darren, he's the new Karl. Elle's stupid article about the evil farmer is still waiting to be published. Valda is still hovering around for some reason, penniless and miserable. Oh Valda, she's definately not the new Madge. Ned does something, Janae disapproves. I'm really getting sick of that one dimensional formula. Casserole Hands arrives home to a welcoming party, which she despicably tells to get lost as she darts into recluse.

Thursday: Darren tells Casserole Hands the horrible truth. Casserole Hands tells Darren to get lost. Valda also reveals her horrible truth. One phone call miraculously fixes everything. Valda vows to make the money back by working in the bar. Does that mean Valda will never leave now? Wasn't she only on Ramsay St for a short holiday? Elle's evil farmer expose is published in a rival paper, earning her a cadetship opposite Riley. Gee, that was easy. Carmella is made host... erm, excuse me.. co-host of a cocktail party with Marco. Rachel goes out with Angus the Pedophile and Zeke sneaks out to go to a dance party.

Friday: Rachel kisses Angus, but has to leave the party before she is seen. The next day, she finds out that Angus the Pedophile is her teacher!!! *slaps forehead* Zeke kisses some girl. Foul. He has come a long way since his days with Bree, although not in acting ability. Carmella sleeps with Marco. A pregnant woman in her third trimester; how could he resist? Libby fears that the Kinski kids are getting out of control. Duh. Once they weren't allowed to watch TV, now they are getting it on with the likes of Angus the Pedophile Replacement Teacher.

Overplayed Movies: Coming To America

In 2004, a study found that since the introduction of feature films, there have been more than 120, 000 movies made throughout the last century.

I'm beginning a new segment on DiH-D called Overplayed Movies. It's a cold, unoriginal and lazy title, to be sure. But that's the point. That's what makes it so reflective. See what I did there?
In this segment, that will no doubt appear at very regular intervals, I'll keep a tally on the movies that are overplayed to death by the free-to-air network, and I'll mutter about their villainy and be all anti-establishment about the whole thing. Self-explanatory and trivial, if I do say so myself. Please do enjoy.

It's no surprise that Channel Ten is the first subject for Overplayed Movies. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if every single installment of this segment was a Channel Ten programming equivalent of someone soiling your face.

Coming to America is one of those movies that doesn't deserve to be replayed five times a year.
It's from the '80s, for starters. And yeah, there are plenty of '80s movies that are played all the time. But Coming to America is NOT Back to the Future Part 2. Nor is it Romancing the Stone. Those movies are timeless. Coming to America is so not.

What is the deal with this movie? Why does this constantly appear on our screens of a Saturday evening?Is Eddie Murphy really such a big drawcard? I remember The Golden Child being a tentpole Channel Ten overplayed movie until it got dumped into Midday Movie status. Why hasn't Coming to America followed suit? It both mystifies and upsets me to the core. Can we look forward to an overplaying of Norbit in the year 2028? Fuck, I hope not.

Please make this the last time, Channel Ten.

Coming to America - 10:10pm, Saturday December 1st. Channel Ten.

Natalie is Idol, Idol is Done.

Natalie won. I lost the bet. Yeah yeah yeah, I know. I was an idiot to predict Matt Corby to win, but I honestly have a hard time tossing up if the Australian public are feeling smart or stupid at the current time. They were smart this time... but there will be other times. For me, the intellect of the public fluctuates in even, but unpredictable intervals. It's the ultimate 50/50 stake. It keeps things interesting.

Ever since the Casey Donovan Crash in 04, we've seen some none-to-awful results from Idol. Natalie was my favourite for a while, so it's not that I hated the result. I just hated the leadup. I mean, the entire leadup. As in, the whole season.

The season did have a few memorable characters (Marty 'Martjaya' Simpson being my pick for best contestant ever), but is there really anyone you want to see try and break into the industry? God, I hope not. The 2008 season of Idol can be interesting if it reignites stolen flames from some past semi-finalists that had potential, but I think we can all agree the bottom of the barrel has well and truly been scraped, and we the audience have the splinters to show for it.

This ends my EXPERT coverage of Australian Idol: Season 5, and I can breathe a big sigh of upheaval and rebirth. I thought the day would never come, and even when it did, I thought I'd miss it's place in my routine. This is definitely not the case; much like the death of an old, pungent relative that always hung around making things terrible at the family Christmas lunch, the passing of an Idol season is bittersweet but mostly oh so treacly sweet.

A couple of small tidbits before I officially pull the Idol plug:

• Ben Mackenzie was/is a drag queen. I know this for a fact.
• Dicko gives good comments, has bad opinions.
• Martjaya deserved to win.
• Marcia is a fuck.
  
• Montagia, Ancient Greek Goddess of Montage Clips is most pleased with Channel Ten's offerings to her.
• Did anyone notice Matt Corby had really appalling clothes?
• Days left until someone assassinates Jacob Butler: 203.
• Carl Risely looks like Darren Stevens from Bewitched.
• Daniel Mifsud could make a coat out of his body hair.
• Martjaya could make a matching scarf out of his eyebrows.
• Tarasai was so fake she wasn't even black.
• Breanna Carpenter and Matt Corby would have the most fucked up children ever born, complete with placenta-coloured stockings and man-skirt.
• Vote Martjaya. I don't care where, just vote Martjaya.

Previously on Neighbours: Nov 19 - Nov 23, 2007.

It's always a monumental occasion when a character is effected by something that is impossible to resolve. It's like when the writers decide to step over the point of no return. It's brave, addictive television. So it was this week on Neighbs. Susan got MS. Yes, that's right, MS. An incurable, very apparent disease. Not since Paul lost his leg has something so permanent shaken Ramsey St. Terminal illnesses are common on the show, but they usually go into remission once all the drama has dried up. Like who remembers Boyd's brain tumour? or Steph's two cancers? They came and went like hay fever.
I am really looking forward to Jackie Woodburn's upcoming performances during her disease. She went a bit spastic this week, so I hope that subsides. I am going to predict a few years from now, she will succumb to the illness. And that'll be a sad day, indeed. But I'll deal with that when it comes.

Right now, here's the Neighbours recap:

Monday: Pool scenes are so damn frequent nowadays. Zeke shirtless equals kill me. The resident bully is on prowl. Why are ugly, pale bullies so menacing? Rachel slams into a pedophile / future love interest. It gets her hormones going. Susan burns her hands badly on a casserole dish. Those damned casseroles... maybe this was Miranda's evil scheme all along. She is given ridiculous looking bandages and sent home. Jessica is still a whore, and Ringo is still a putz. For someone who has been training non-stop for six weeks now, Ringo doesn't seem to have put on any muscle at all. Lame.

Tuesday: Libby is revealed to be a tightass when she gives Ben a GameBoy from the 80s. Meanwhile, Micky randomly plays with a Robosapien in the general store. The two boys meet in a totally shit scene. Casserole Hands... I mean... Susan goes blind and freaks the fuck out in a carpark. I like Jackie Woodburn, but she really overdid it here. Ringo starts to repair his life... Elle fights to set the evil farmer's story right... It wasn't a great episode, okay?

Wednesday: Casserole Hands overacts like never before when put into an MRI for a whole nine seconds. I wish she went mute instead of blind. Zeke is a bitch again. Marco is a gay prostitute, or so I suspect. Bridget is a fickle little child, and I hate those overalls she wears oh so much. Riley looks like he has AIDS.

Thursday: Susan is diagnosed with MS. It's waahmbulance time. Kirsten is readying a custody battle for Mickey, but Ned has a few sighs to expel about it. Janae needs to leave before her characters can be defecated on even more. Mopey Josh, the guy in the wheelchair, snobs Bridgit because she gives up her physio. They whine a little more, and she decides to go return. Ugliness ensues.

Friday: The official plot outline describes Mopey Josh as "hunky Josh". That just disturbs me. Declan gets jealous of Mopey Josh, especially since he doesn't get any adjective before his name. Valda gambles to get money, while Rachel meets with Angus the Pedophile again. Hormones race once more. Ohhhh, I see where this is heading.

Darren arrives next week, ya'll, so stay tuned for all the goss' to seep forth. As always, see you next week.

LABORIOUS - Who won the election watch?

Mmmm. Election. You can taste it in the air. Like when you walk past a fast food shop. It's warm musk is a presence, one which either entices or repulses depending on if you enjoy fast food, or indeed politics. Yet around election time, I think there is only one thing people are really looking forward to, and that's the election tally marathon that ensues the event. From the graphics, to the hosts, to the bickering panellists, the election coverage has long been extremely entertaining weekend viewing, considering it's a show about politics that goes for five hours.

This year, every channel threw their hat into the ring, each offering different aspects that would appeal to different people with different values. ABC appealed to the people who wanted a predictable night, and that is what they are good at. Nine appealed to the people that respect the election and like to see it supported in a serious and moral way. SBS came into it so late that their coverage just seemed to be useless, as did Ten's. Sky News' coverage probably would have been pretty good, had I had bothered to check it out. And Seven, well.... they treated the election like it was an episode of Let Loose Live.

ABC
Host: Kerry O'brien.

As retarded as Kerry O'brien looks, you have to love him. He's slower and easier to talk over than the likes of Ray Martin and Andrew O'Keefe, but at the same time, I'd rather listen to him overall. He is drenched in veteran sensibility, and is definately the best persona around to manage a panel consisting of big names like Julia Gillard and Nick Minchin. Speaking of them, while they were the most recognisable and important of the guest panellists, they were also quite proper and boring. Compared to the Jerry Springer antics of Seven's show, the aura around the ABC's coverage was "Ah yes, my grandfather would be having a ball with this."
Kerry got a little discombobulated by The Chaser as they pulled some stunts in the background, and there were technical faults, but the clean, glossy presentation and the nice, Star Trek-like set made ABC real standouts last night.

Nine
Host: Ray Martin

In my opinion, Nine won the election coverage battle. They didn't have the best graphics (ABC) or the best talking heads (Seven. Just kidding. ABC) but it wasn't below average in those departments either. Nine went for a simple look, a desk with a frame of spaced out, colourful icons and graphs. It was inoffensive and actually enjoyable. Nine employed a slight 'whoosh' noise whenever a graph would animate or change which I greatly appreciated. And, let's just get this out of the way, I heart the shredder. For some reason, I just loved it.
Laurie Oaks came and went for some reason, and even though I respect him a lot, I didn't miss him. Anyway, Ray had his legion of Channel Nine journos out in the thick of it to cut to instead, something which I thought was going to be really tacky, but was always fulfilling. At the end of every segue, I expected Ray to cut to Ben Dark or Bert Newton or Trevor Marmalade. Oh wait, they DID cut to him. And oh my god, his jokes were awful. Let's not go there.
To make up for that, they had this Liberal representative on the panel who was absolutely devastated that his party had lost, and was noticeably losing it and going nuts with denial. It was great TV.

Seven
Hosts: Mel and Kochie.

Oh jesus. Oh jesus christ. What... the HELL? Seven should just be ashamed. ASHAMED. For fuck's sake, in a word, Seven's coverage was: horrific. The boxing gloves graphics? The... the fucking cartoons running across the screen? Kochie himself is the worst fucking host on TV, so it was doomed from the start. But then they have to go and secure Andrew O'Keefe as a co-host. In some terrible club room set? And what about their graphics!? Done away with was the sleek ABC presentation, and the subtle 'whoosh' sounds of Nine. No! Big, red and tacky was the criteria for Seven, just like their innocuous logo. And the woosh sounds were so loud and frequent I felt like I was inside a fucking wind chamber. And that WOMAN! Christ, that Liberal representative that was in full defense mode at every opportunity. She spurted out salesman-like sound bites at every opportunity, she was like a typical The Apprentice contestant. The Seven coverage was toxic. I suffered from irritated eyes, nose, throat. I even think I went impotent for the night. And that was just from watching 15 minutes of it. Never again, Seven. Your light-hearted approach can go hang itself like the godless bastard it is.

Ten

Didn't bother watching this staggered response to the actual verdict. I did catch a bit of Empire Strikes Back though. It was the part where Luke meets Yoda in the swamp. I was confused, because Yoda is supposed to be 400 years old and he's all weak and puny, but just twenty years beforehand he's jumping all over the place fighting Sith Lords. Is 380 considered young, but 400 considered near death? Next time you redo the series, George, mend that plot-hole!

Verdict

At the end of the night, I had settled on Nine. Although I regularly turned to ABC. I very rarely checked Seven, and I didn't even bother with Sky, Ten and SBS. The ratings are a different story entirely, with ABC coming out as number one, Seven in second and Nine third. Ten actually beat Nine with their Star Wars counter-programming, which is a damn shame. I guess this just proves the deadly power of Koch. And the deadlier power of the idiot public.

Ten Renew Neighbours and Idol, Announce Other Shit.

Channel Ten is a bastard. It is 99% septic TV. But perhaps by freak accident, within its putrid primordial soup of programming, lightning penetrated through the scum and catalyzed a minuscule array of things I'd actually watch. Like Neighbours. And Idol.
Not so surprisingly, Channel Ten has announced in a freshly revealed press release that Neighbours and Idol have survived another year and will return for a new season in 2008.

This is good news for me and Channel Ten. I fall into Ten's target demographic; that is for being subjected to Domino's Pizza commercials and really tiresome Futurama gag-based ads. I'm secured to endure them through next year; that's their objective complete. As for me, I get a year's worth of Neighbours recaps and Idol coverage. Win win.

Also renewed were every show you hated on Channel Ten this year. Except the Wedge. That was deemed too heinous even for them.

Renewed:

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?, Bondi Rescue, Neighbours, Australian Idol, Big Brother, Thank God You're Here, The Biggest Loser, AFL, Rove, Saving Babies, Friday Night Download, House, NCIS, Medium, Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Numb3rs, Californication, Life, Cane, Supernatural, The Simpsons, Futurama, Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For The Next Doll, and America's Next Top Model.

Announced:

So You Think You Can Dance Australia, Saving Kids, Kenny's World Toilet Tour, Women's Murder Club, Rules of Engagement, Back to You, Burn Notice.

Actual Letters From Foxtel Magazine: November 2007

I've been a reader of the Foxtel Magazine's mailbag section for years now, mainly because of how bizarre, humorous, frightening and awkward all of them actually are.

But never in my long reading career have I ever come across something so devestatingly confusing, so hypnotically irrelevant and unprovoked... so abstract and totally freaked... as this letter from Janice Kidson-McDonald:

"Problems in the world are mainly caused by men. Maybe if us women dominated politics things might be better - that's why I especially enjoy Oprah."

And that's the whole letter...

Congratulations Janice, not only have you managed to claim you are ideal for a role in POLITICS by making POLITICALLY INCORRECT statements, but you've also claimed the title of DiH-D's Letter of Month. Thanks, and keep sending out those letters. That's why I especially enjoy ridiculing you.

Survivor returns to Nine.

They took their sweet ass time in doing so, but Channel Nine have finally set Survivor: China onto their summer schedule. Despite being pretty much completed in the US, the season has been firmly nestled in my Top 5 wanted TV shows.

The timeslot of 7:30pm Saturday night is both a good and bad compromise. The good aspect is that more people will get to see it. The bad is that most people still won't, as Saturday night is a graveyard. And being run in the Summer period, its more like a graveyard within a graveyard.

No matter though, Survivor is one of those rare shows that has lasted 13 seasons and never jumped the shark once. Sure there have been lacking seasons (Thailand), but that was the fault of the contestants, not the showrunners. I personally think last season was the best ever, so here's hoping for even bigger and better Summer viewing, and you can be sure that Survivor will be covered extensively each week here on DiH-D.

Survivor: China - 7:30pm Saturday, December 8th. Channel Nine.

Predict Idol: Week 11

Oh my! Was I the only one truly captivated by Matt Corby tonight??? And by captivated, I refer to an experience similar to being held captive in an unfurnished cell with no windows and left to go utterly and incoherently insane.

Excuse my language, but for fuck's sake, it was awful. It was drearier than a John Cusack movie. It was fuckin' worse than that time Marty Simpson sang that Police song. It was fuckin' worse than Mark's orgasm over the Phantom of the Opera song. It would be fuckin' worse than if Bobby Flynn ever posed for a Cosmo centrefold. It was THAT fuckin' bad.
Okay, it wasn't THAT bad. I mean, it wasn't Marty Simpson bad. But it WAS Daniel Mifsud bad. And that's still pretty fuckin' bad.

The single itself is abysmal, so it was doomed from the start. But the least Matt could do was arrange it even slightly so that it had something interesting to permeate into it. What was his approach? Hopefully the audience would fall asleep so they'd miss Natalie's performance, thus sabotaging her chances? A flawed scheme, to be sure. But it sure would explain a lot. Natalie's was better, but not by much.

As usual, Matt's song choices all sounded exactly like all the other things he has sung, and Natalie's, while not always good, really showcased her versatility.
Matt pulled out the whole 'self-confidence crisis knocked me around for a while' trick, and it seemed to really convince everyone. I mean, a guy who wears a shirt-dress in front of millions of people doesn't just come to us free of crippling mental issues. You'd be insane to expect otherwise.

Who I think will win: Matt Corby. Who I want to win: Natalie.

"Your Choice, Australia": An In-Depth Look Into Final Idols.

The final two on Idol is a step above the final two for other reality TV shows. Australian Idol final twos really have progressed through, if I may use the overused expression, a journey. They have quite literally fought for survival. They have not been exposed to luck based challenges or alliances, instead if they sing well, their chances are increased. If they impress the judges, they are again increased. Being bubbly, but not too bubbly, will win even more votes. If they succeed in doing all three, they will be a true competitor. And it's the juggling of all three aspects that is the real competition. Thus, the final two must represent two contestants that have managed this feat. By no means will they be the only ones to have done this in the series, but the audience has decided that these two have been the best representatives of this process. Theoretically anyway.

Compare this to the Big Brother final twos. Big Brother is a competition with vague, seemingly meaningless and extremely diverse tasks. The show is not divided up into weeks; the audience is asked to judge favourites based on the entire series. Thus, week for week efforts to win votes become more and more dire, eventually losing all purpose towards the end. Futhermore, there is no specific skill required to become a final two contestant. Not only can a contestant enter the final two for being a good competitor, but a total douche can enter the final two merely for being the contestant who farted more than all the other contestants. And they would both have equal chance of winning despite their actual deserving of the title.
In conclusion, Idol seemingly establishes a 12 week filtering process to ensure that the final products are really worth the money spent to book the Opera House, the outside entertainment and the harbour full of fireworks.

However, how well has it worked? Do the final two Idol contestants really represent the best of the competition? Of Australia? Take a look and decide for yourself:

Season 1 - Guy Sebastian, Shannon Noll.
The original final two. Guy Sebastian won in the end, but really, both of these guys won. Third place went to Cosima deVito, and she vanished into obscurity extremely quickly, while Guy and Shannon are still travelling the country, lavishing in the cultural acceptance that has been rewarded to them. Which is more than can be said for future final twos.
Guy went all churchy and hosted some AIDS related documentary in Africa. He has recorded a few albums that have as much appeal as Chris Murphy in those goddamn red long-johns. He famously lost his 'fro, but gained odd favours from Natalie Bassingsthwaite.
Shannon went all rock-ballady and etched some major success. Like Guy with the 'fro, Shannon ditched his famous goatee and instead gained rights to old songs I've never liked and made it so I have to hear them over and over, again and again. He can now currently be seen on TV advertising for a poker club.

Season 2 - Casey Donovan and Anthony Callea
The post-final two couple. In one corner represented a Guy Sebastian/Shannon Noll hybrid; Anthony Callea. Appealing to housewives, universally praised for his rendition of Prayer. In the opposite corner, Casey Donovan, an overweight Aboriginal junkie who appealed to all the people who didn't want a repeat of the last year. Casey won, making it all the way through the competition without a single judge noting that she was obese. A true testament.
Casey ate a whole lot, including her Sony contract, and practically doubled in size. She had a couple of songs about Aboriginals, but she was gorging on the power the public had mistakenly given her. In response, she was treated like a festering skin cancer and frozen out completely. She probably spends her days in a dry river bed somewhere.
Anthony got some really high single and album salea, but then dropped in popularity almost immediately. Still trampling on Casey's forsaken career, he returned with a second album which was fueled by his homosexual revelation. His career is pretty much punctuated by Spicks and Specks appearances.

Season 3 - Kate Dearaugo, Emily Williams.
The forgotten final two. Kate Dearaugo got the contract, but noone really cared. Emily lost, and still noone cared. There was no real competition here, they were friends and also extremely alike. It was the end to what is almost the worst season ever (besides the current one).
Kate had very disappointing single and album sales so went into exile. She later emerged as one of the Young Divas.
Emily also emerged as a Young Diva, further cementing the fact that noone gave a shit that year, and nor should they have.

Season 4 - Damien Leith, Jessica Mauboy.
The rinse-and-repeat final two. So named because this was the Season 2 final two done right. Damien is a European lad, Jessica is a young, indigenous sweetheart. Only they've been made over. No longer does the male contestant sport a boy-band vibe, and no longer does the female contestant look like a boar that choked on its bucket of slop.
Damien came out the victor. He released a ton of merch, like his Idol journey CD which was #1 for what seemed like years, his debut album and his recently released autobiography. He also won an Aria Award. Not bad. Except that Neighbours appearance. That was bad.
Jessica emerged as a Young Diva... Well, at least that's something.


And here we are. About to view the Season 5 final two duke it out in Sydney. Stay tuned to check out the newest addition to the ongoing Final Two series. Matt Corby and Natalie Gauci. Who are you voting for?