Ad Shittium: McDonalds Crispy Chicken Strips

JUST BREAK IT IN HALF YOU NEANDERTHAL-LIKE, INTERRACIAL DUMBASSES!!!!!

Previously on Neighbours: Dec 3 - Dec 7, 2007.

At this moment, I'm in a sense of denial. The month or so of the year sans Neighbours is fast approaching. There's just a week left. What's a questionably hetero boy to do? I guess it will be good to break the routine of weekend updating.
I was just perusing the archival bowels of the beast that is this blog, and I've realised that it is fast becoming a blog about how godforsaken Channel Ten is. Be it marketing, programming, content... I really have it in for them. And it shows. Over 75% of all posts have been about Channel Ten in some way.
Now that Idol has plummeted into forgotten territory, Neighbours is literally all I have to keep the balance between being critically judgemental and just being downright cruel. It seems cruelty may be on the agenda during the short Neighbours hiatus.

But we ain't there yet. Here's your recap:

Monday: Casserole Hands is no more. And from the chrysalis-like gloves emerges Susan reborn. Steph and Toadie take sides in the Darren-Libby fued. They do one of those cut back and forth conversations that annoy me heaps. Angus is a Pedophile and a Replacement Teacher, and he has another defining characteristic as well. He's a dickhead. Feeling betrayed by Rachel, he becomes a jerk to cope. In his temper, it didn't occur to him that Zeke and Rachel are not in the same year, but somehow share the same Literature class. Now let's play: Sum up Marco's Family In Three Words. They suck. That's two words? Okay, They REALLY suck. I win no prize. Noone does.

Tuesday: Toadie and Steph debate about Darren and Libby. Somehow, it all turns out to be about Steph's engagement ring she never wears. I was confused, but at least she wears it now. That and some terrible Bollywood costume top. Angus the Pedophile Jerk ups the ante in jerkiness. Marco is a gay prostitute.

Wednesday: Libby misses the shit out of Drew, and says so. Rachel offers the most vile analysis of Pride and Prejudice I've ever heard. Angus was impressed though; enough to settle things with her out of class. Speaking of vile, Zeke gets hit on by the class mole. Janae's jealous routine has run thinner than Bree in bizarro world. She goes to Oakey to look for Ned and Kirstin. Ned's car breaks down, and he gets so many extreme closeups, I thought I was going to be sick. Kirstin kisses him. I was sick. Miranda is the most worthless character in the whole show, even moreso than Lou. In this episode, she rode a mechanical bull and fell off.

Thursday: Ned and Kirstin win Best Couple at the Oakey reunion. Wow, that's not contrived. Janae is not happy, and she proves this fact by throwing Kirstin into some tables. Finally, something sort of remarkable but not really that remarkable has happened in this plot thread. Elle gets fired on her first day as a journo. Actually to be honest, the Elle-Riley story has gone from appallingly shit beginnings to being somewhat decent. To regain some ambition, Susan walks 10km up a fucking mountain with Miranda and Rebecca in tow. If three women walk in a forest and complain the whole time, does it make a sound? The answer is yes, unfortunately.

Friday: Two days have passed and Libby still misses the shit out of Drew. I'm going to nickname Ben 'The Devil's Child' from now on due to his striking resemblance to the spawn of Satan. I'm ecstatic to report Janae and Ned are considering a breakup. Karl applies for a medical job and gets the position. Karl is now Dr. Karl. Again. Finally. First priority: Bitch and moan about Susan walking up Mt. Random.

Wear black all next week. Neighbours is winding down on it's last breath for 2007. Find and help others in need, like me, who find the pain too much to cope with.

Overplayed Movies: Mean Girls

In 2004, a study found that since the introduction of feature films, there have been more than 120, 000 movies made throughout the last century.

I called it. Channel Ten again. And guess what? I have ANOTHER Channel Ten Overplayed Movie segment to write up tomorrow. Seeings as I'm getting into the summer decomposing period of the year, I'm thinking I'm going to be inundated with these. Have I bitten off more than I can spit out in revulsion? It's a possibility.
Yeah, and Channel Ten actually showing movies that they haven't shown every 4 months is also a possibility. Anything's possible in theory.

Mean Girls is deceptive. People really like it. Channel Ten must have fallen to their knees and thanked their commercially corrupt deities the day they secured the rights to it. It's a popular film that directly applies to everything Channel Ten is about. It is fresh to some degree (Ten will make short work of that) and it does have the strong teen appeal. It's even justifiably current with Lindsay Lohan aptly making headlines as she dismantles her own career like a professional loser.

People not only like Mean Girls, but Channel Ten also really likes Mean Girls. For Ten, the only criticism would be that it lacked Adam Sandler. Alas, there is no such thing as total perfection.

I don't really like the movie myself, but I can see why it is a good candidate for being overplayed. It's just good chemistry with the audience base. I'll let Ten off the hook for this one, but don't let me see this on the schedule for at least 6 more months. Okay? Much obliged, my old rival.

Mean Girls - 7:30pm, Saturday December 8th. Channel Ten

Ad Shittium: The Simpsons Game

Ugh. UGH. The Simpsons Game ad. That's the worst ad on TV. Don't get me wrong, I recognise how bold a statement that is, but I support it wholeheartedly and without doubt. I truly despise that ad.
For those of you who haven't had Matt "Whore" Greoning smash you over the head with a park bench, a log, a metal beam or something similarly heavy, prepare for a close simulation.

It's worse than watching a full episode of new Simpsons season. It's worse than watching those dreadful Channel Ten ads for the new Simpsons season. It is low by Simpsons standards, which is really enlightening, because I didn't think the Simpsons had standards.

Clearly, that presents a Catch-22 of the worst kind. Clearly, that's the worst ad on TV.

Showcase launches on Foxtel

It's nothing to write home about just yet, but Showcase is the latest Foxtel channel to be launched in the subscription based arena. It's first few days will be occupied by the usual mini-series, Showtime and HBO TV dramas and local fare that originally clogged up the first Showtime channel. Additionally, Showcase will screen independent style movies and documentaries.

What does this mean for us? Well, this means that Showtime is now an open supporter of critically panned commercial movies 24 hours a day, while Showcase gets all the praise worthy material. Time will tell if pure quality and pure shit complement each other, side by side.

New and biting TV shows will debut on Showcase in only days time, with Dexter coming in on the 6th, with others such as The Riches and Satisfaction following shortly after. It's a channel to keep your eye on, I get the feeling a lot of quality shows that are passed up by the major networks could find their way to Showcase for reliable residency.

Previously on Neighbours: Nov 26 - Nov 30, 2007.

I just have to say, this week was AWESOME. Darren's return has been handled so well. I really resent the people that criticise the Neighbours writers, because while they have a lot of shortcomings, they know how to make things interesting. They incorporate the series' long history into almost every storyline and they really know how to use actors' chemistry to great lengths. This was really showcased in the segments involving Libby Kennedy, who might I add was in every single episode this week. Good on her.
For the writer's to bring back Darren in a unique and very unflattering way is brave and compelling in the eyes of the viewer. The other storylines... they were okay too. Except for the Ned ones. They have never been okay. Not with me, not with anyone.

It's time for the recap:

Monday: Declan kisses Bridgit!!! She rejects him and his apology CD. Stupid bitch. Casserole Hands is in denial and employs Libby to investigate the Multiple Sclerosis Wikipedia page for the REAL truth. Stupid bitch. Mickey's volcano project erupts and Ned and Kirstin get caught in the deadly pyroclastic flow. I lie, they actually just bitched about eachother and made it seem like Mickey was worth giving a damn about. Zeke gets a bad behaviour letter for the pool fight last week. Stupid bitch.

Tuesday: Darren Stark is back in town and Libby is not pleased. In fact, she goes crazy. Karl gets caught up in it, resulting in "Now you listen here" being shouted several times in a grumpy tone. Bridgit introduces Mopey Josh to her family. The first thing they think is "Oh my god, this wheelchair bound cripple is trying to get into our daughter's pants." Janae talks to Kristen about how attractive Ned is. Somehow, both actors keep a straight face. Casserole Hands begins to get her sight back. Hallelujah.

Wednesday: Libby spills the beans. Darren slept with another woman. Oh Darren, he's the new Karl. Elle's stupid article about the evil farmer is still waiting to be published. Valda is still hovering around for some reason, penniless and miserable. Oh Valda, she's definately not the new Madge. Ned does something, Janae disapproves. I'm really getting sick of that one dimensional formula. Casserole Hands arrives home to a welcoming party, which she despicably tells to get lost as she darts into recluse.

Thursday: Darren tells Casserole Hands the horrible truth. Casserole Hands tells Darren to get lost. Valda also reveals her horrible truth. One phone call miraculously fixes everything. Valda vows to make the money back by working in the bar. Does that mean Valda will never leave now? Wasn't she only on Ramsay St for a short holiday? Elle's evil farmer expose is published in a rival paper, earning her a cadetship opposite Riley. Gee, that was easy. Carmella is made host... erm, excuse me.. co-host of a cocktail party with Marco. Rachel goes out with Angus the Pedophile and Zeke sneaks out to go to a dance party.

Friday: Rachel kisses Angus, but has to leave the party before she is seen. The next day, she finds out that Angus the Pedophile is her teacher!!! *slaps forehead* Zeke kisses some girl. Foul. He has come a long way since his days with Bree, although not in acting ability. Carmella sleeps with Marco. A pregnant woman in her third trimester; how could he resist? Libby fears that the Kinski kids are getting out of control. Duh. Once they weren't allowed to watch TV, now they are getting it on with the likes of Angus the Pedophile Replacement Teacher.

Overplayed Movies: Coming To America

In 2004, a study found that since the introduction of feature films, there have been more than 120, 000 movies made throughout the last century.

I'm beginning a new segment on DiH-D called Overplayed Movies. It's a cold, unoriginal and lazy title, to be sure. But that's the point. That's what makes it so reflective. See what I did there?
In this segment, that will no doubt appear at very regular intervals, I'll keep a tally on the movies that are overplayed to death by the free-to-air network, and I'll mutter about their villainy and be all anti-establishment about the whole thing. Self-explanatory and trivial, if I do say so myself. Please do enjoy.

It's no surprise that Channel Ten is the first subject for Overplayed Movies. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if every single installment of this segment was a Channel Ten programming equivalent of someone soiling your face.

Coming to America is one of those movies that doesn't deserve to be replayed five times a year.
It's from the '80s, for starters. And yeah, there are plenty of '80s movies that are played all the time. But Coming to America is NOT Back to the Future Part 2. Nor is it Romancing the Stone. Those movies are timeless. Coming to America is so not.

What is the deal with this movie? Why does this constantly appear on our screens of a Saturday evening?Is Eddie Murphy really such a big drawcard? I remember The Golden Child being a tentpole Channel Ten overplayed movie until it got dumped into Midday Movie status. Why hasn't Coming to America followed suit? It both mystifies and upsets me to the core. Can we look forward to an overplaying of Norbit in the year 2028? Fuck, I hope not.

Please make this the last time, Channel Ten.

Coming to America - 10:10pm, Saturday December 1st. Channel Ten.